The BET

There comes a moment in the life of everyone who is even slightly overweight where something just clicks. And everything falls into place. Like a blindfold has come off  or your glasses have just un-fogged.

Well, *touch-wood* I am a very lucky person because for me this moment came twice. And both times it came in the form of a bet or a competition. I had to prove someone else wrong. The first time around in 2014 it was the sheer peer pressure that my cousin was going on a solid weight loss regime and I was left behind. Combined with the fact that I wanted to join the Air Force and nasty comments from people I lost around 17 kilos by the time I graduated college and I was at my lightest.

Then I took up a job. Which spelt disaster for me. My job involved me waking up at 6 am every morning ( sometimes Saturdays as well) and I would return home by  20:30 every evening, exhausted. Needless to say the pounds piled back on. I could have tried to incorporate exercise into this routine but somehow I lacked the motivation and the will to do so. The only exercise I would do, walk to the metro stations instead of taking rickshaws, taking the stairs instead of using the escalators and swapping the junk food in the pantry for fruits and oats that our company so thoughtfully provided.

Six months later I quit my job and was going travelling to Milan, Spain and the Netherlands. I was travelling with both friends and family. Obviously I ended up spending more of my time with my friend as compared to with our families. She was studying Fashion in Milan and looked the part through and through. Just a look at her was enough to send my self-esteem ( whatever little that remained) spiraling down.

I have always been the emotional eater varieties – specially when sad. There is something about ice cream at 2 am after a fight with your boyfriend that nothing else can cure. And then there is the guilt of the entire thing the next day which no amount of feeling upset would cure.

When I got back from the vacation I weighed in and 7 kilos out of the 17 that I had lost had come back. They made their presence felt in  the most obvious ways – clothes, stamina, self esteem and the works!

At this point of time I must make it a point to tell you that despite losing those 17 kilos earlier I has still 3 more kilos to lose to reach the goal weight of 20 kilos. And here I was – not managing to reach the goal weight the first time and gaining back 7 kilos of the unwanted flab as well !

And that is when my second chance at doing this came up !

Jai had always been one of my biggest critics and a major part of our conversation was spent on him trying to motivate me to get back into shape! This time when I got back from the holiday he just gave up on me. He told me that I wont be able to lose weight and that I would always crib but never do anything about it. My ego jumped up at this and I knew I had to prove him wrong and we had a bet.

I would need to lose 12 kilos in 2 months.The bet was for a perfume if I lost and a dinner if I won. Now, don’t get me wrong, I knew that going by healthy standards it was not possible for me to do so. But I also knew that I lacked motivation and  this bet would give me that and thus I agreed to the horrendous terms. I guess somewhere even he knew I would have taken this challenge up and maybe that was his way of getting me to lose weight. Even if I lose half the amount i.e. 6 kilos in 2 months I will be extremely proud of myself 🙂

Also what helps is having a sister-in-law who is an inspiration – mother of two,  a baker and a marathon runner ( she lost 30 kilos herself  )!

This is it. My second chance. My motivation.

What’s your motivation story ?

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#Fatgirlproblems

The battle of the bulge is something very common nowadays. Overweight people face problems on a daily basis. And I am not talking about being bullied at school, being invisible, body shaming and the insecurities that come as a complete package to even those who may be 5-6 kilos overweight, but those daily issues which the skinny ones will never get. My best friend is beautiful and not just on the inside. She tells me beauty is not how much you weigh and I should stop being obsessed. Though she has had insecurities of her own, I can never expect any thin person to understand. Ever. This is because each battle with an insecurity is a whole new thing and they cannot be compared. Ever. 

So here is my list of everyday problems :

Shopping: The most dreaded one. I can never find clothes my size and when I do end up with something that fits me, it’s more of an unshapely sack than anything else. It goes without saying that the outfit looked a lot better on the mannequin than on me !

Jeans will always be loose at the waist and tight at the thighs. Never will you find the correct fit. I wear boyfriend jeans for crying out loud !! Don’t even get me started on lingerie ! And some styles will never suit you. Never. And the same goes with colours.

Shopping with your skinny friends : their problem – ‘this is too loose. Will it be too big for me ? ‘. They can pick up anything from the rack and it would fit them. And what’s more , even if they don’t like what they are wearing , they will carry it off with such a flair ! And still they complain ! Jesus !

Photo sessions : A girl’s life is incomplete without photography sessions with her bffs when the squad is on point. What the squad will never realise is that I can never be ‘on point’ for a photo session. Pictures of me will always be either too sharp or too bulky or the double chin will be visible or maybe the love handles. And the list is endless. Needless to say, I hate getting clicked. 

With the guys : I need not even elaborate on this one. Because if I start I won’t stop. People who are average looking are visible, but a fat person, like me – invisible. And that is that. They will look through me.

Navigating in small spaces in public places is another nightmare altogether !

Going to the parlour is embarrassing and so is eating in front of others !

Guru-gyaan : every one who knows about how you feel , will always tell you that you’re wrong. “Beauty lies within.” ” oh mg god, that dress looks good on you” ” oh that guy was totally checking you out” ” come on you’re not fat!” ” you need to stop obsessing about this, its not the end of the world” and the list is endless! 

I know all of this is true. But. ( there is always a but) . One can only stop obsessing over this if there are no constant reminders. And there will always be mirrors, photos, comments to pull you down that hole.

Well ofcourse one must be confident and then if it is that much of a deal one should work out and achieve what one wants to.

 

And that is exactly what I will do..till then I shall find humour in blogging 😉

When Insecurity Strikes

Here I am , on a holiday in Spain.
And all I can think about ?
How fat I have become . how some clothes don’t fit well. How some photographs are so ugly.

And this insecurity just grows. It makes me feel inadequate.
Am I not supposed to enjoy myself ? Can’t I eat what I want to without worrying about how it would affect me and my body ?
I look at the other girls here. Perfect hair , skin, makeup, clothes chiseled and most importantly, happy. (Or at least they look happy. )

I wanted to take loads of nice pictures for my instagram and here I am, not being able to upload more than a couple of snaps .

Is this how it is going to be till the time I’m not the goal weight I want go to achieve. Will I start being happy if I get this lard off me ? Does it really work this way ?

These are my midnight diaries. And this is what the dark side looks like – the maze of 12 am thoughts.

#GOALS

cropped-img_20160321_085810.jpgAnd then it stopped.

The whole journey, the fight, the optimism, the fire faded.

As mentioned earlier I was doing this as a prerequisite to achieving my dream of joining the armed forces. I really wanted to be a pilot. I applied and cleared the preliminary writtens. Unfortunately I failed to clear the interview.

That was the day a dream died.
They always say never give up, keep trying. But I had lost..
The eagle had fallen even before it could rise.

Along with that, the workout stopped. It was a dark time. I was full of resentment. Most of the people around me failed to understand why I was so upset, since I could always apply again and give it another shot. Somehow I don’t function this way. Maybe I did not have it in me.

Since I was not a dieter. I was only into working out, the weight loss had been a slow process. Initially I watched what I ate and logged it in religiously and had weighed in at 68 kilos in Feb 2014. 7 kilos in 2.5 months. Which was slow by all standards. By the time I went for the interview in 2015 I was 58 kilos. And my goal was 55. Somehow I was satisfied with the slow progress since I never had to deny myself anything.

16 months and 17 kilos. A very slow pace.

It all stopped in March 2015.

The workouts became irregular & needless to say the weight started to pile on again. With the scales tipping up the self esteem tipped low. With one failure, I felt like a failure.

I passed out of college. Started working and at that point of time I tried to eat healthy but did not workout frequently. Maybe thrice a week and it was hardly what my typical workout was like.

However since the weight loss had become an essential part of my being I wanted to reach my goal weight, even if I couldn’t fly..and so here I am trying all over again 

This eagle. She won’t give up.
The eagle shall rise.
The eagle shall soar.

Kickstart – Dec 2013

wp-1458282717358.jpg What stops me from working out :p
(Image : downloaded from somewhere on Facebook)

There were a few factors motivating me to lose weight, but when it struck exactly and what made me do it is something different altogether.

It was December 14th, 2013 and I had just finished my 3rd semester exams.
My father wanted me to start going
for morning walks with him and I decided to just go. I would try to get out of it every morning, but he was persistent. A very effective trick used in the family to get anyone to go and work out is, ‘ why don’t you go get ready and then we will see whether we should go or not’ , and by the time that is done, you think to yourself that you might as well go now that you’re awake and dressed ! ( works like a charm )

And one day I decided to jog around
the park where we went for a walk. The track was 1.4km and I could barely run 400 m. Which was embarrassing. That day onwards each day I would do a little more.
I never watched what I ate very religiously. I loved my chocolate and I had my bowl of chocolate ice cream or two pieces of chocolate everyday. But the rest of the food was controlled. ‘Portion control is all what its all about’, we have heard them say. I would have my Burger with coke at McDonalds. But skip the fries and the soft serve. And then dinner would be soup and toast. I enjoyed the food I liked and worked out as well
And after a point of time when you work out, you think to yourself , “do I really want that bag of chips? It would be equal to five days of running” and that is enough to put that down like a hot potato !

I’m no pro at all of this. But what I’ve learnt from experience. You diet, you crave and then the minute you go back to normal eating you gain weight !

I wont sugarcoat -It was not easy. It never is and it never will be.

But what you must know – anyone can do it. And trust me when I say that , since I’m the laziest person around !

The Motivation

wp-1458198683861.jpgEveryone who fights the battle of the bulge,  has something or someone to motivate them.

And what was my motivation ?

Well there were a number of things :

The fact that my cousin who is the same age as me and was also plump, had a bet with someone who would give her 50 grand to lose 10 kilos . ( how could I be left behind. *comparisons comparisons*

The ex boyfriend who said nasty things. That’s one of the most common ones.

My dream to join the armed forces. And for that being in certain weight range was necessary !

Last but not the least, all the negative remarks made by people helped me embark on this journey !

 

 

 

(Picture : Google images)

 

 

Life in XL

'For there is no love greater than the love for food' ‘For there is no love greater than the love for food’

This is the diary of a fat girl. As most of the skinnies would not identify with, the life of a fat girl can be a heap of problems if you don’t have the correct attitude. And I didn’t . My insecurities always got the better of me !

Life began in 1994 and the weight piled on ever since I hit the age of 9. The butter chicken , chicken tikkas, mounds of ice cream, bags of chips and my greed were to blame .  It was never like I was unaware of the pile I had grown into, it is just that I lacked the will power or should I say ‘won’t power’ to say no to food.

Being an army brat, being pudgy didn’t work in my favour ever. But nothing really struck me till we moved to New Delhi, where looks mattered. At least a lot more than in the small towns we had been to earlier ! Class 7 onwards the cycle of crash diets, binge eating, crying began. And to be honest, it took me all of school and almost half of college to actually start losing weight .

At age 19 and a half , weighing in at 75 kilos. My journey began in 2014.

Why do I write about this now ? I have always been scared writing and publishing it. The fear of being judged by people always wins the battle. Specially when there are a heap of insecurities to deal with. The weight always made me conscious and under confident and needless to say, insecure.

Today I choose to start writing my story. The battle of the bulge. My journey.

The Diary of a Fat Girl -Life in XL.