This is not one of those random late night posts. I had been meaning to write this for quite a while but somehow I could never get the words out right. Today I decided to go with the flow, go with what I feel and post it as it is. Raw. Exposed. Naked. Vulnerable. Grammatically incorrect at places ( maybe).
Let’s go back into time, the day I first met HIM. New Years 2014-15. That was supposed to be the ‘Year of Miracles’, ( a name given to 2015 by my best friend )
I barely looked at him properly the entire night at that New Years party because I was busy dancing to my own tunes. Time rolled by and we started talking, from a mere ‘Hi’ we began texting and even having conversations on the phone once in a while. Without knowing it I became really close to him. He knew quite a bit about me and I always questioned myself as to why would I let myself be emotionally exposed. I never found an answer to that. Maybe I would in the future !
This is probably the correct time to mention that my previous relationship with my “best-guy-friend”- Sameer, did not end on a happy note. Maybe I looked at him as a replacement ? But that would be pretty wrong of me because Sameer would always be a part of me and would always occupy a part of my heart no matter what. This had to be different. He was not Sameer. My relationship with him was very different and yet very similar at places as compared to that with Sameer.
God knows, this is just so complicated ! Getting back to the point-
He was always there. Not always in the foreground ,sometimes lurking in the background of the events in my life but always there. Always looking out for me. On one particular occasion I mentioned a new guy I had met recently and he told me to stay clear. Me being the person I am, disregarded his advice and went ahead. Soon enough the guy showed his true colours and I had to admit that He was right!
One day he told me- “You know I can’t just say anything I want to you. I can only speak my heart out to you if I know that no matter what you will be there for me irrespective of what I say to you.” My reply to that was – ” I will always be there, no matter what”
He always told me that I should never think of him as a sweet person or a nice person. I wonder where that came from. My response to him was always the same- “You can try all your tips and tricks with every other girl in the room, but not me. We are the best of friends ! ” And he would just laugh it off, every time.
There is this phone conversation with him that I remember vividly, it still replays in my head once loud and clear when I think of it. We were goofing around as usual and I was teasing him about him getting married soon. And he said – ‘My wife would have to be okay with our friendship‘ – just like that. So simply. As if he was asking me the time or for a glass of water ! He didn’t realise that by saying this one line he had brought us so close that if I could have, I would have got inside his room and given him a giant hug !
He is also leaving this December. We have talked about this many times. And each time he had told me that he will try to come back to Delhi as soon as he can. ( Which would be in 2 years minimum) Every time we have this conversation I get teary eyes because I know I don’t want him to leave but he would have to and I can’t do a thing about it and would have to accept it. I wonder why it would be hard for me to see him go? Technically speaking, it should not be hard at all since I have been a part of the Armed Forces Family long enough to endure separations from family and friends and to handle them well!
But sometimes all these stories are not always how they should be. They unfold in the most peculiar manner. And this time, I am the one to blame.
We had all gone out to party and I was pretty angry at the events of the evening already when he tried to reason with me. I blew it then and there and said a bunch of mean stuff. ( and not just to him- I was a complete bitch to everyone, unfortunately my best friend as well )
And that was that. Ties broken. Severed.
I only wish that I was the one to have said those very words to him instead of the other way around – “You know I can’t just say anything I want to you. I can only speak my heart out to you if I know that no matter what you will be there for me irrespective of what I say to you.” And that his response to that would have been – ” I will always be there, no matter what”
At least I would have been able to hold him to his words. Because one thing he has always been particular about was his ‘Word” to people.
They say – “Sticks and stones only break bones, but words can shatter souls.” More honest words could have never been said. More than two souls were shattered that night ! If only apologies would mend things like these. But unfortunately people have run out of fucks to give and I have driven them beyond caring.
Some say that friends are supposed to accept you the way you are, good bad and ugly. But exactly how ugly is appropriate here? One might want to do a PhD on that one ! (makes mental note to save that for a later post)
Lesson learnt ! The hard way ! Wish I could undo it, but there is no going back and no amount of ‘ I did not mean to’ would make it okay. Because that concept is long lost. I can not even begin to write about the other ties that were tested that night. Would need to be a few long islands down to start that one ! ( will push that one under the rug for now, one post is an exposure enough)
Brings me down to the point of this blog post.. The point is – *drum roll* – that there is no point !
I write to express myself . This post makes me feel vulnerable. Some would criticize. Some would sympathize. Some would call them mere words. Sometimes when I talk the words do not always come out in the way I want them to and people may not always perceive what I say the way I would like them to. Those are the times I turn to writing, because that is probably one of the only things that brings peace to me. ( Along with chocolate, of course). Also probably because I miss these people who mean the world to me and I would want to make things okay if they would have me back into their lives.
But sadly, December came too soon !